my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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