"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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