ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
