Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Let's get the cat blown out
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
