I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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