No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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