I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
