I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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