There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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