oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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