I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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