I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
