They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
