A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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