she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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