Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize