I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
