Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
