I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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