take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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