Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
