just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
