Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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