take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm getting married
To pizza
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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