Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Are we still banned from the library?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
