I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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