if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
