I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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