I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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