thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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