Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
