i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
