I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
