mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
