You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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