I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
