i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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