"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I could fuck to npr.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
