you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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