well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
