omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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