I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
