When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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