TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
