He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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