Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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