Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
