fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
