She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
