mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
