I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
