this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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