I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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